I love my bad
When I started self-development, my goal was to eradicate bad feelings. I want to stop being a jealous, insecure, an angry, envious person and so on. That was my goal. It took me three years to realise this is impossible. I can do my best to reduce the occasions of these triggers, but I cannot eradicate it. I learn that forcing myself to face a bad feeling with new age positivity is being repressive and detrimental to mental health. Avoiding bad emotions increased my inner critic, self-blame and unrealistic expectations.
Unrealistic expectations can include: being happy all the time, be pleased within 5 mins after a disappointment, sleep only 5 hours to be productive, successful people know what they want,etc. The result: I became hard on myself.
There is much bullshit that we read online and learn, and I fell for those crap. Thankfully, I have come to a peaceful point of not expecting myself to be good. I allow myself to be bad. If I want to cry, ok cry. If I get angry, jealous, insecure, tired, unmotivated, lazy, etc., I don’t scold myself for it. I will acknowledge it and ask myself why? Then I reason with it, but I DO NOT judge or criticise myself for it. I look into these uncomfortable feelings and ask myself why am I feeling this way? Whenever we feel triggered by a bad emotion, it is often an inner need that we have failed to provide for ourselves. We care too much about others think than focusing on what we need.
When we become whole, it doesn’t mean we only embody our good traits. We embody all of it, including the bad ones, this is what makes us whole. How we react to our problems is the question. There is no need for self-blaming or scolding. “Bad” feelings, thoughts, events, people, they will not go away. We cannot get rid of these bad and hope they never exist anymore. We cannot expect ourselves to be good, perfect all the time. Coming to peace with the ugliness in me brings me a satisfying joy. I learn that having a beautiful life is not about only upward achievements. It is not about always being happy and recognising only the good times. Real happiness comes in our ability to be at peace amidst chaos. To embrace the bad times and be grateful for them. Hence, I love my badass moments more than ever.
Also, remember, how others judge you tell more about them than you. Vice versa, what you judge of others shows you something about you.
