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I am not good enough
I meditated on what it means to live an ordinary life. An ordinary life appears mundane, yet the sum of its parts makes it beautiful. As a person with vivid imaginations, I often fantasised about leading an extraordinary life. I want to impact the world, cause a change, achieve titles and status, chase adventures that will give me a sense of worth.
Seeking more derives from my own core belief of inadequacy. I thought that as my awareness grows, my demons of lack will diminish. On the contrary, my shadow becomes larger. For me, it was like facing a nine foot tall monster in my face. This is the recurring theme of my soul, and it has led me through my own victimised stories, again and again. In the last six months, I slowed down the way I live out my life. This allowed me to witness my drama playing out. If I am an actor in my life, this would be the script that I have been blindly following. My role would assume that having more, better and greater achievements meant a higher sense of worthiness. In the past, I fight my shadow by proving that I am worthy, to strive and achieve more and better. I chased and pushed myself, a false sense of belief that if only I have then I will be. As I meditated, I witnessed myself being led in an unconscious pattern.
One morning, while I was meditating in the park downstairs, my eyes half opening and gazing at a patch of grass, I gained insight. I…
