A Detour in Discovering My Passion
Do you have an unexplainable moment in doing something so passionately that it brings you a deep feeling of joy? In that space of deep-dwelling, you can get lost or be made to feel alive again? But for some reasons at some point in your life, you put off this passion due to other commitments?
I have, and here I wish to share my personal experience of how I took a detour while discovering my passion.
Back when I was a child, my dream was to create an impact in the world. I didn’t know how but I imagined much ways! I dreamt of becoming a scientist because I believed I could save the world. Some other times, I was a poet or writer, a teacher or doctor, a healer or a peace advocate speaker that was touching lives with unfathomable depths. When I was a kid, these ideas of me positively impacting the world mattered to me.
Somewhere along the way, I got scared, and I started feeling I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t get good grades, and I heard that I looked funny standing up to speak, too talkative with too many ideas, and I felt stupid. What’s more, my teenage years of crisis began. Those days were tough times. My parents struggled to make ends meet and while at it, they argued severely. In that financial crisis while we drowned in bills & debts, who has time for discovering passion? What did it even meant?
I can recount the moments when our electricities got cut off, no water and lights out. Other times creditors were pounding at our door. I was afraid and couldn’t fully apprehend what was going on. Amidst the confusion, anger and hurt, the only solace I had was in writing. So I began writing. I wrote, wrote, wrote…It was my only way of venting an inexpressible pain. Pages after pages were unspoken words inscribed onto paper and locked away. However, in reality, the situations were real, and our financial debt only got worse. I wanted to grow up and be tough for my parents. I thought:
It is ok mom & dad; I got your backs. I shall start working.
I did not dare to even dream of pursuing what indeed driven me and only picked opportunities that I feel will bring me the most return in monetary value.
So I worked hard for many years.
One year, two years, three and many more years passed. The the next dollar and then the next better-paid job. Time flies and whisked by just like that. In the mundaneness of life and the pursuit of what I deemed were more practical, my writing also came to a halt. Not understanding that putting away things that genuinely mattered or kept my heart alive had such an unsatisfactory impact on me. 30 years now when comfort has been achieved, and the tide has calmed, with every dollar earned and more, then what? I feel a sense of void that no money, relationships or success can fill. These pens and paper are painfully familiar again. With a deep yearning to fill this longing, I started writing again through my pain, through my breakups, through my hurdles and into lonely nights, into secret dreams, hopes, stories that were locked away in my heart chest. The more I write, the clearer I become.
Through my writings, I feel like coming full circle; I rediscover now again my hope, the same dreams and aspirations that I do not want to put off any longer. It took me many years, following the ideas of others but not my own, making decisions and thinking that I felt were better for everyone else but myself. Much time was lost, with trials and errors before I figured out that it is still with me all along that I wish to create a positive impact on people and the way to do it is through my writing and sharing. Although time waits for nobody, it is still never too late. The rediscovering of my passion made me all the more grateful and deeply connected to my writings.
In this writing, I wish to convey to my dear fellow dreamers, aspirers and seekers; you are not alone. Your dreams and passion will always be yours. Do not give up on them because the route is taking longer or you are not at the right time and space yet. Perhaps you need to take a detour, or like me, you got distracted and lost sight of your values and made decisions out of confusion. Maybe along the way, someone made you feel less than good enough. These thoughts became your insecurities, and the uncertainties of your capabilities made you feel lesser than others. Sometimes, it could even mean that you have first to try various things before you get to uncover your true passion/calling.
Still, please keep searching, keep finding and keep believing.
The very thing that keeps you alive is right in you all along.
Love,
Maybelline
